Well, it has been quite some time since my last post. I swear I had every intention of updating this blog regularly. Really. *ahem*

That being said, quite a bit has happened in the interim. In 2010, I lost my mother to what felt like a very short bout with neuroendocrine cancer. I took time off work to take her to her chemotherapy, and then, to take care of her in her final months.  After she passed, I struggled with all of the usual caregiver doubts. I worried that I hadn't given my mom enough pain medicine to cope with her pain, or that I gave her too much and it hastened her end. Did I offer her enough liquids? Should I have forced food on her more frequently? Was she comfortable? Why didn't I say what I wanted to say so many times? Did she hear me when I told her I loved her at the end, and that we would remember the light she brought into this world?

For that first year, every time I thought about my mother, I felt I was reliving the pain of losing her all over again. I felt that deep feeling of regret and hurt, a loss that I wish no one ever had to feel. Time and again, I saw that woman around town, with hardly any hair dressed in a pink jump suit and tan jacket, that made me stop in my tracks, fighting the urge to chase her down crying "Mom! Is that you?!" Every time I saw this woman, I knew it was not my mother. I had watched her body be laid to rest in the cold, wet ground of the cemetery.

Once I returned to work, there was continued turmoil. It may or may not have been influenced by my grief, before I finally switched jobs. My new job is fantastic and fits very well with my spouse working towards a masters in Neuroscience.

At the end of 2011, I welcomed my very first child into the world. My sweet little girl. Prior to her delivery, I struggled with the knowledge that my mom would never meet my daughter. My mom had always told me that my husband and I would make beautiful babies. Then our little girl came along and turn our world on its head. Oh, how right my mom was! In so many ways. Like she predicted, I have never loved any person or thing as much as I love that little girl. All those little things that used to put me in STRESS! mode fell away. So long as I can keep her safe, sound, happy, and loved... the world is as it should be.

There were a lot of big and little things that happened between 2010 and now that I have simply glossed over. Now, my little girl is five months old and I am even closer to finishing my very first novel. It is still titled "Waking Dreams". Someday it may have a better title, but I will wait until I finish these last few chapters before committing.

Hopefully my posts hereafter will be (a) more frequent and (b) more cheerful.
- The Rambler